The Buzz Identity

This segment is a parody of The Bourne Identity and Buzz Lightyear.

This segment is from the episode The Buzz Identity/Two and a Half Man.

Plot
Lotso the evil bear brainwashes Buzz Lightyear into thinking that he is a real space ranger. Buzz boards the Fisherman Price boat, where he beats up two Fisher Price toys, demanding to know who he is. He then visits a bank and is told that he is himself but that he is also many other film characters played by Tim Allen. He blasts off to Ken's house, where Ken informs him that he is a space ranger. Wheezy the Penguin reveals to Buzz that he is simply a toy. Buzz is taken away by some city people, and one of them threatens to use Buzz as a weapon. Then, he throws Buzz at a wall, waking Buzz up from a dream. Everybody's heads turn into film characters' heads.

Characters

 * Buzz Lightyear
 * Lotso
 * Carl Fredricksen
 * Big Baby
 * Two Fisher-Price Toys
 * Hamm
 * Spanish Guy
 * Jessie
 * Ken
 * Wheezy
 * Matt Damon (Jason Bourne)
 * Julia Stiles
 * Woody
 * Leonardo DiCaprio

Transcript
Lotso: I'm afraid you know too much, Buzz.

Buzz Lightyear: You'll never get away with this, Lotso! Pixar movies are sad in the middle, Sometimes at the beginning, but NEVER AT THE END!

(Lotso snaps his fingers. Big Baby comes in with a screwdriver)

Buzz Lightyear: Wait! What are you Doing!?!

Lotso: Hmmm. "Resetting your Buzz Lightyear."

(The instructions say Open the Back, Push the switch, That's all)

Buzz Lightyear: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Blue sailor: Whoever he is, his batteries are going to rust if he's left in the tub too long.

Red sailor: Not bad for two guys with no arms.

Buzz Lightyear (Punches and Kicks the sailors): Who am I? I have no memory! Who are you? What's my name!

Blue Sailor: We don't know. It wasn't on your underwear.

Buzz Lightyear: OH NO!! You checked my underwear?

(The Buzz Identity, after the title card)

Buzz Lightyear: Can you tell me who I am? All I have on me is this serial number.

Hamm: It says you are Buzz Lightyear of Star Command.

Buzz Lightyear: LIGHTYEAR?!? What is that? Dutch?

Hamm: You're also coming up as Tim Allen, Scott Calvin and the Shaggy d-a.

Buzz Lightyear: Well I'm either a secret agent or a mediocre actor with no talent for choosing--

Spanish Guy (translated from spanish): Pardon me. Do you have the time?

Buzz Lightyear (In Spanish): Sorry, I don't speak Spanish. (In English) *Gasp!* I DO speak spanish! Why Can I Hablo Espanol? I CAN HAS SPANISH!

(two cops walk in)

Buzz Lightyear: Ay! Mucho PooPoo. (punches both cops) Spanish and Karate?!? Whoever I am, I am AWESOME!

Jessie: Yodel-lay-hee! Come with me you'll be safe.

Buzz Lightyear: Nice try honey, almost had me with that yodel too. Got me right here.

(Buzz pushes a large red button which activates the suit's flight system.)

Buzz Lightyear: Wings? I must be able to fly. To infinity and--something.

(A truck hits Buzz blasting him off to Ken's house.)

Ken: Good to see you again Buzz.

Buzz Lightyear: How do you know my name? Did you look in my underwear?

Ken: My name is Ken. We work for Mr. Lotso and you are a space ranger.

Buzz Lightyear: I don't understand any of this.

Ken: Relax, let me get you some cake from my "Malibu Can It's Okay for Boys to Bake Too Oven".

Wheezy: Psst! Everything Ken told you is a lie.

Buzz Lightyear: Even the cake?

Wheezy: No the cake is real and extremely rich. But you're not a space ranger, you're a toy, Andy's toy, and we need to get you out of here.

Buzz Lightyear: A toy? This couldn't get any wierder.

(Buzz is taken away by some city people)

Matt Damon (Jason Bourne): Back off! I'm Jason Bourne and I can turn this toy into a weapon if I need to.

Buzz Lightyear: Okay, it just got wierder.

Julia Stiles: Awww! Is that a Buzz Lightyear? I used to play with one of those when I was little.

Buzz Lightyear: Keep talking.

Matt Damon (Jason Bourne): Take that!

(Matt throws Buzz at a wall)

Buzz Lightyear: I knew I could fly. To infinity and--(crash)

(Buzz wakes up from a dream in bed)

Buzz Lightyear: What? What happened?

Woody: You took quite a spill pal. We were worried about you.

Buzz Lightyear: I had the wierdest dream that I was in a "Bourne Identity". Lotso you were there, and you were there too Ken. And Matt Damon you were there and Julia Stiles you were there. But then you weren't really in anything after that. I don't know why 'cause you were great in "10 Things I Hate About You".

Lotso: The important thing is it was all a dream and you're awake now.

Leonardo DiCaprio: Or are you?

(Everybody's heads turn into film characters' heads)

Top: Man am I dizzy.

Trivia

 * Wheezy talking about the cake being real and very rich is a reference to the infamous "The cake is a lie" meme made famous by the game Portal.