Harry Plodder and it’s Dreadful What Follows

Lord Druckermort: “The boy is all alone and vulnerable, but we can’t blast Plodder to pieces until he physically leaves his house, because it’s protected by the potent Stretchio Convenius charm! That spell can only be created by combining powerful magic, a dying mother’s love, and an author who didn’t want her $8 billion franchise to come to a screeching halt on book 7, page 2!”

Professor Scape: “My Lord Druckermort, I bring you news! They will be moving Harry Plodder this Wednesday night, we must travel there to attack!”

Lord Druckermort: “You mean to say………?”

Professor Scape: “Yes, we shall have to TiVo Cougar Town!”

Drucius Malformed: “In the battle between the purebloods and the mudbloods, we Malformeds are no-bloods! Our entire family only has 1 red corpusicle between us, I get to use it on Tuesdays and Fridays! If Drano had been born a girl, we would have named her Anemia! I’m so angry and so white, I’m the odds-on favorite to capture the tea party’s presidential nomination!”

Larcissa Malformed: “Lord Druckermort is the most diabolical wizard in history, but he’s an even more unbearable house guest! He abuses and insults us. He opens new cereal when there are already open boxes that aren’t finished, and he’s been ordering pay-per-view programming, on our cable bill! I mean, who pays to watch MacGruber 5 days in a row?”

Drano Malformed: “Being the youngest Death Eater is tough! Sometimes I wish I were a regular kid with a normal summer vacation, I’ve never even been to Disney World! Instead, I’m stuck with ugly strangers and oversized animals, hanging around some old castles and sweating like a pig. On 2nd thought, this is exactly like going to Disney World!”

Dude with 3D Glasses: “Check it out! With 3D glasses, you can almost see the boss’s nose!”

Germtail: “Who cares?!? Druckermort gives me the creeps, besides the skinless nostrils, he’s got those slits for eyes with no eyebrows, that waxy see-through flesh, those veiny temples, that clenched jaw with missing lips…..”

Weird Villain # 1: “Eh, whatever, it’s still better than the work Bruce Jenner had done!”

Meanwhile……..

Bad Eye Moody: “To fool Druckermort, 6 of you have become exact duplicates of Harry Plodder, suddenly the room just got 700% nerdier!”

Harry # 4 (Percy): “At long last, Harry Plodder in a bra! Hmm, somehow, this isn’t as sexy as the online fanfic made it seem!”

Harry # 5(Runt): “What are you doing, Herwhiny?”

Harry # 6 (Herwhiny): “Just satisfying my curiosity about something…..yup! just what I thought! You’re not even close to being the greatest wizard of them all!”

Miramax Arrange: “That cursed owl, Hedcheese blocked my killing curse and it cost him his life! Mmm! I wish I had the Colonel’s 11 secret herbs and spices! The pesky little bird looks tasty!”

[Snap!]

[Crackle]

[Pop]

[Blam!]

[Ka-Pow!]

Haggis: “There goes George’s ear!” “There goes Bad-Eye Moody’s eyeball!”

Harry: “Let’s get outta here before they start aiming lower!”

Meanwhile again………

Jenny: “I can’t keep my hands off you, Harry!” “I’ve gotta have you!”

George: “In a world with living paintings that walk around, invisible skeleton ghost horses and a race of demonic shrimp-people, THAT’S the most farfetched plot device of all!”

Meanwhile 1ce again…………..

Servant Man: “Marriage is a beautiful and sacred union between a man and a woman. Or between a part-human-part-wizard-woman and a werewolf! And sometimes between 2 goblins, but not the gays!”

Ghost Cat: “Stop the wedding! Run for your lives! The Ministry of Monocratic has fallen! The Death Eaters are coming to kill you all!”

Rob: “Thank goodness Grisly Spacklebreath’s petbonus was able to travel this far to warn us!”

Kate: “Yeah, it’s just amazing. We can do anything with our magical magic, but nobody’s got a blackberry!”

Meanwhile and yet again………..

Customer # 1: “Your escape to this London Coffee Shop was not as unobserved as you hoped, Harry Plodder! The Dark Lord posted 2 wizards at every Starbucks location in the city!”

Harry: [Gasps In Shock] “Lord Druckermort has 60,000 wizards!”

[Zap!]

[Zot!]

[Criss!]

[Angel!]

Meanwhile…………

Harry: “Druckermort has split his immortal soul into 7 magical herplexes. We must identify and get rid of each of them, but they could be absolutely anything! Let’s just hope 1 of the herplexes isn’t your virginity, Runt, that may be impossible to get rid of! Why, look, it’s Slobby the elf! What are you doing here?”

Slobby: “There’s a herplex in Dolores MMMBop’s office.”

Harry: “Hooray! My streak of having some 1 just plop crucial pieces of information into my lap continues!”

Meanwhile…………….

Bafalda Hotkirk (Herwhiny) “It’s not enough to look like 3 of Lord Druckermort’s followers. To fool the Ministry workers, Runt, you’ve got to be like them. Just fake being an expert. Shout for no reason. And act like an arrogant a-hole at all times. If you’re good, you might even be able to parlay it into a recurring guest spot on MSNBC or Fox News!”

Reginald Catterpole (Runt): “This is the 2nd time this week I’ve transformed my face. The only part I hate is changing back!”

[Bloopp!]

[Zip!]

[Zow!]

[Zap!]

Runt: “Harry, you '''unthinkable bonehead! Why would you turn yourself in?'''”

[Blam!]

Meanwhile again…………

Herwhiny: [Voice Off Screen] “Tomorrow, we’ll research how to destroy the herplex inside the necklace. Inside my magic bag, I’ve packed books, maps, potions, equipment, money, clothes and dozens of other magical items!”

Harry: [Voice Off Screen] “Oooh, fantastic planning! You wouldn’t happen to have packed a space heater anywhere in there? Idiot!”

Runt: “We’ve been on the run for months! I can’t take it! we’re up to 74,853,991,208 bottles of beer on the wall!”

Herwhiny: “Stop it, you 2! Can’t you see that this necklace has a negative energy that’s affecting us all?”

Frodo (cameo appearance): “Gosh! A hunted group of heroes traveling the countryside, to fulfill the quest of a kindly bearded wizard who died, sort of! And struggling to destroy 1 enchanted piece of jewelry that’s part of a larger set, before it warps their personalities and wrecks their friendship! Where do these screenwriters get their original ideas from?”

Meanwhile yet again…………

Herwhiny: “We’ve lost Runt, but we’ve found a replacement with just as much charisma. Your dead parents!”

Harry: “The softly drifting snow…the twinkling holiday lights...going home again…and 2 rotting corpses. It’s like a Hallmark Christmas special, designed by the guy who does the Saw movies!”

Meanwhile again………

Herwhiny: “Oh no! it’s Druckermort’s snake, Linguini! Oh, Harry! Have you ever heard such horrible hissing?”

Harry: “1ce! A couple of years back, when I was in that Broadway play! But what a diabolical trick! Killing poor old Godzilda Hagsnot was cruel enough, but to lie in wait for us, disguised as his own hollowed out victim! What soulless creature would even dream of wearing the skin of an old dead woman?”

Herwhiny: “Lady Gaga?”

Meanwhile yet again………..

Herwhiny: “Harry! Harry! You’ve been shaking and convulsing all night! Is Lord Druckermort still inside your head?”

Harry: “Yes, him. And that Katy Perry song! It’s so catchy!

Harry: (singing to a familiar Katy Perry song) 'Cal-i-fornia girls, we’re unforgettable! Daisy Dukes, bikinis on top! Sun-kissed skin so hot, we’ll melt your popsicle! Oh, oh, ooo, oh, ooo, oh, oooh! '

Bambi’s ghost figure cameo…………..

Harry: “Oh look, a mysterious glowing deer. Well, I haven’t been attacked and almost killed by a strange animal in 2 days! I think I’ll follow this 1….what could do wrong?”

Harry falls over into the water and Runt saves his life.

Harry: [Glub!] [Blurble!] “Runt, you came back! And saved me from '''drowning! I think you should have the honor of taking the magic sword of Griddlecake that we just found, and using it to personally destroy the necklace!'''”

Runt: “Wow, really? Having your trust means so much to me!”

Harry: “And who knows, the bloody thing might explode! So I’ll be crouching over there, behind that thick oak tree, admiring you and valuing our friendship!”

Runt: “This sneaky herplex will do anything to distract me from destroying it! It’s showing me enchanted nude pictures of Herwhiny, doing the nasty with my best friend! The images are so sensual. So realistic. So naked! And now I can’t get the most hurtful and awful questions out of my '''mind! Starting with Question 1: where’s the friggin’ pause button?'''”

Meanwhile…………..

Herwhiny: “Mr. Lovegoo, we came to you because the official newspaper is nothing but propaganda and lies! Only your paper prints the truth. You’re like a crusaiding blogger!”

Mr. Lovegoo: “No, I’m not. I have readers!”

Meanwhile again……

Herwhiny: “Joe, Kevin and Nick were brothers. Joe was happy to be trite exposition. But Kevin wanted to be an unambiguous allegory. And Nick hoped to become an ancillary book project. Thus they sought the 3 crucially essential items that are so central to the story that it only took 3,745 pages before J.K. Rowling got around to mentioning them. The 1st of these……”

Runt: “Hold it. Are the clues to Druckermort’s lifelong secret plan REALLY hidden in some fakakta old children’s story?”

Mr. Lovegoo: “'''Possibly! Maybe Linguini isn’t a snake'''. Maybe he’s just a Very Hungry Caterpillar!”

Meanwhile………….

Herwhiny: “At long last, Runt and I are tied together at the wrists with ropes! Hmm. Somehow, this isn’t as sexy as the online fanfic made it seem! But how did you find us?”

Benrir Greyback: “Easy! Your friend here smells like Snausages!”

Runt: “It’s a glandular problem, okay? I’m working on it!”

Meanwhile yet again………

Runt: “Let’s be clear about this. Yes, I’ll be your prison freak! But if you try to rent me out for a pack of magical red cherry gum, I’ll get you in your sleep!”

Harry: “Runt, we’ve only been locked in this dungeon for 5 minutes!”

Runt: “Really? Maybe I should have waited to give myself this Aryan Nation tattoo!”

Meanwhile again………

Miramax Arrange: “Next we have '''Haley Joel Osment! Oscar-nominated at age 11'''. Doing cartoon voiceover work at age 13! In rehab at age 18! Or Frankie Muniz, Hollywood teen star in 2003. Out of the acting business by 2006!”

Miramax Arrange: “Now, whose porno film would you like to watch 1st? The kid actress from ‘Family Matters’, or the kid actor from ‘Saved by the Bell’?”

Herwhiny: “'''NO! NO! THAT WON’T BE ME! GAAAHH!!'''”

Meanwhile yet again……

Harry: “Thanks to Slobby, we’re busting out of here! '''Carnivorous vulgaris! Accelerati incredibulus!'''”

Drano Malformed: “Nelly Furtado!”

Drucius Malformed: “'''Ochocino! Antonio Banderas!'''”

Herwhiny: “Cystic Fibrosis!”

Benrir Greyback: “Rummikub Jenga Stratego!”

Runt: “'''Lipitor Nexium! Flomax Allegra!'''”

[Slobby Whistles Innocently]

Miramax Arrange: “These spells aren’t getting us anywhere! We need something more refined! More sophisticated! So, now me go stabby-stabby!”

Meanwhile…………..

Flo Delacleur: “At long last, Slobby is in Harry Plodder’s lap, drenched in body fluids. Hmm. Somehow, this isn’t as sexy as the online fanfic made it seem!”

Harry: “Slobby, you saved us '''all! I’m going to host a sumptuous feast in your honor! Meats, fruits, desserts, anything you want!'''”

Slobby: “You’d better whip up…grrrrraaaakk…1 of Rachael Ray’s 1 minute “Fast, Faster, Fastest” meals! Make mine to go!”

Mona Lovegoo: “The saddest part is that we’re all being out acted by a computer generated cartoon elf!”

Meanwhile 1ce again…………

Lord Druckermort: “Glorius success! O frabjous day! At last, the Elbow Wand is mine! Vast, exquisite power at my bony fingertips! And the 1st thing I’m going to do with this wand is to slice this movie in half! 1 blockbuster film for the price of 2! Ha, ha, ha! Now that’s what I call evil! See you suckers in a few months!”